First Month visit to PD

Yes the dreaded first injection we have to bring Tanya for was yesterday. We took the opportunity to also check on her jaundice level. It was quite heartwrenching for us parents when she cried at the 2 jabs, one on her thigh and the other to draw blood to check her jaundice. 18.5 - very high, and doctor suggested we could status quo, supplement with formula or rent the UV light for home use at $150/day.

This was really bad news for me, and there was no way for me to take it well. I have struggled the past four weeks to finally, more or less successfully breastfeed Tanya, fully latching. Through all the sore nipples and breasts, milk blisters, bleeding, learning the right latch, midnight feedings, patiently defending my choice for total breastfeeding to my in laws, trying to ignore later more subtle comments by them about my supply, I had persisted. Now I have to give it up for formula.

The worst thing about the situation I feel is that I feel so alone in my thoughts. Who else can understand my reluctance to give up breastfeeding, given it wasn't as if it was a ball of fun? Certainly my in laws were more than happy to supplement with formula, afterall they had been advocating it, openly at first, but at my resistance, through muttered breaths and comments to others. Even in the hospital, when one grandparent of a baby had said her child was supplementing due to low supply, my father in law had replied that we too had that problem, that I too had low supply! I was shocked and retorted that of course we didn't! The baby had gained 1kg through 4 weeks, way above the minimum requirement of 100g/week to define a thriving baby!

As much as I was pro-breastfeeding Tanya, I certainly wouldn't insist if I felt my supply was stumping her growth! I think he was surprised at my heated defense then. It certainly came back to bite me when that night we were trying to feed Tanya formula. When he knew of our choice, he commented loudly (so I could overhear) to Ming that "Same as that baby in the hospital lor" - which I interpreted as "I told you so" to me. If it were my parents, I certainly would have retorted at their "sensitivity". Given their my in laws, no choice but to bite the bullet. He was right afterall anyway. Didn't matter that my milk supply was sufficient, there was something else wrong with my milk that we had to supplement.

I tell myself that there's no need to feel inadequate as a mother, that we're doing this for her good, because we are. That there's much more to parenting than breastfeeding, because there was. But this was the one thing I know I can do right by her, that I can surely provide. Guidance, values, discipline etc, those were all so subjective. But once again, what choice do I have? Hopefully, what I'm doing is the best choice for her, and her health will always be my first priority.