The days that follow

Last few nights followed suit and was tough on us. Thursday night especially, when she woke at 12+ until 2.30am then went to sleep, then again at 4am, 5+am and 6+am. It was quite frightening because my milk flow is also being regulated and I feel empty. So I couldn't help but wonder if my supply was insufficient.

Friday night, she was also fussy and refused to feed off my right, despite 1.5 hours of coaxing. Instead she turned away and cried when we try to put her down. After much consoling, she finally decided to latch on the right and fed herself to sleep. Hai what a stubborn girl...

Today we went to view flat and bump into Fran and family. haha so coincidental. Guess its cause we're looking at the same area here.

Rough night

Yesterday was a rough night. Not sure what happened coz she was great for so many nights. Yesterday, she wouldn't settle to bed and needed a full hour and a half of coaxing. I was having a headache through all that time, and only dared take medicine after she slept after feeding. Then she woke at her usual 2.30am but wouldn't sleep til 4am (that worsened my headache), only to wake at 5+am! Normally she slept well after feed. Was it my supply lessned? I had to question my supply because normally i would feel quite engorged at nights, but not last night. Could it be the medicine?

The days after

After the eventful weekend, I hoped that the weekdays that follow would allow her to adjust back to normalcy, and get back on track with her sleep etc. But it was not to be. Shan came by for a visit on Monday, and witnessed just how difficult she could be. I really don't know why, but she kept refusing to take her nap, and then cry angrily when she's tired. Luckily, Shan was around and volunteered to packet lunch for me. I could hold her for over an hour trying to coax her to sleep, only to have her wake up when I lay her down. It was insanely tiring. I even had to sling her to use the toilet... I hope and pray this is a passing phase! Me and Shan agreed, that's the thing about motherhood. With work, you can look forward to weekends and leave and public holidays. With motherhood, there is really no breaks at all.

It is quite amazing coz, I'm really a person who needs her sleep. Most of my friends know I'm sleep notoriously early, and become cranky and slow witted when I don't get enough rest. But I think I'm actually getting used to it. I haven't had an afternoon for about a week now. I'm actually surviving with so little sleep, just don't mind my grouchiness or ask me any difficult questions...

First Haircut

(backdated) We had wanted to cut Tanya's hair on Saturday, but given the rough night on Friday, we decided not to overstimulate her on Saturday, so postponed her haircut to Sunday. Sunday morning, 11am, saw us at PS baby spa for her haircut.

Went fairly well, all in all, as I was asked to hold her during the shave. The Chinese national lady was quite patient and seemed quite experienced, albeit her young age. Tanya was pretty calm throughout it all, mostly yawning away.

PD jaundice review

(backdated) After much hard work getting her to bed after Friday's over stimulation, I really loathed waking her today to go for her 845am appointment. Normally there would be no issue, as she was an early baby who woke about 7-ish. But today at 8am, she was still sleeping peacefully. But no choice, we had to drive her for her appointment.

We told the PD our problems getting her to take the bottle, and how her last formula feed was so long ago. After that, we had resumed breastfeeding, lest she go hungry. Even my parents, experienced from having brought up my 2 cousins have tried to bottle-feed her to no avail. I tried enlisting my sister's aid but she refused, advising us to continue breastfeeding. We were told of Evan's hostory, where he would refuse the bottle when my sis went to work, taking only enough to tide him til mummy comes home where he would feed with relish. She told us, to wait til I need to work, about 6 to 8 months, when the baby would understand us. I really feel fortunate to be able to take 8 months off, instead of 4 months most mothers here are entitled. Although the rest would be unpaid leave, but many companies would not allow their staff to go off for such a long period.

So, back to the visit, the PD informed us that he could not tell the effects of the formula feeds as we had resumed breastfeeding :( Nonetheless, he advised us to take another blood test. So we had to poke her again. This time round, I was filled with pride for our brave girl, who didn't cry at all. We decided that if the level was still high or increased, we would have to rent the UV machine home. Francine's cousin rented it at $480 for 3 day 2 night package, including a $30 delivery charge. Hopefully that would be enough to stave off the jaundice.

First solo trip

(backdated) Today, I wanted to bring Tanya to my sis place to resume our regular Friday visits. So I put her in the sling, early morning, and her daddy dropped us at Macs for breakfast before I headed out to Plaza Singapura. I walked there a while before heading out to my sis's place. At Macs, she was suddenly fussy so I had to breastfeed here there in public. Then at sis's place, she was terribly awake, fighting off sleep.

I'm not surprised really, with her 2 very active cousins and the tv that was always on there. In fact she was awake the whole day there, except for when we sling her to Tiong Bahru Plaza. I tried the whole day to get her to sleep but to no avail. As expected, that night, she was one fussy baby, and would not settle down peacefully to bed. I decided to try going only in the evening next Friday, hopefully cutting down her overstimulation. Hope next friday will be better!

Haywire schedule

Today we expected 2 visitors but neither came =P both rescheduled so we spent an idle day at home. Even lunch was brought to me by my in laws as it was raining. Ming is on course today and tomorrow so will expect him home earlier. Yay!

As if she could understand this, she was in a cheerful mood today. She even managed to sleep on her own in the chair =) hurray for my girl! But all her naps all very short so far. Hoping her current nap will let her be more rested, but not over rested. Haha, we mums worry about everything. Too much sleep, too little sleep, hai. She also feed a lot today. Hopefully she in a growth spurt and not wrecking her schedule.

Tanya's train trip

My mum was free yesterday because it was apparently some US public holiday (11/11). She came by and we went out with Tanya to nearby Plaza Singapura, armed only with the sling. PS I had found out, loaned prams to bubs under 2 years old. Unfortunately, the pram was meant for older toddlers as it was unable to shift from its incline. So we managed with just the sling, and headed to Swensens where we met Ming for lunch. After lunch, we walked around PS while Ming went back to office, and discovered a baby spa! We decided to bring Tanya there for her first haircut =) Wanted to do it there and then, but I thought Ming might want to be there to witness baby's first haircut. Maybe we'll remember to take some photos this time.

We went Mothercare and almost bought some socks for her. They were just too adorable! But I thought of all the booties she hadn't worn yet at home, and how quickly she was already outgrowing some of the clothes, and decided not to buy them. I also managed to eat my first ice cream cone from Andersons since goodness knows when! Belgian Chocolate Chip iirc, yummy!

The sling was really great, and Tanya slept almost throughout the trip, sans lunch, where we put her on a cloth nappy on the seat. I decided to learn to use it more. So today, I tried to carry Tanya out to packet lunch all on my own in a sling. Think I can manage it next time liao. Maybe Friday I will take Tanya to my sis's place?

Mini Misadventure

It was raining all of yesterday. I had intended to collect a package I ordered online from the post office in the morning, but the drizzle kept me away. I thought I could collect during lunch when I went out to ta bao, but it was raining then too. All the way til the evening, the rain finally seemed to give way. So at 4.30pm, I hurried downstairs, baby in pram, as the post office closed at 5pm.

To my dismay, still slight drizzle. But nevermind, I lowered the pram cover and hurried to the post office. All was fine until baby decide to become fussy and cried inconsolably in the pram. She stopped when I carried her so I was quite bewildered. She had slept in the pram on her own previously without any fuss. Stranded, I hovered in the void deck somewhere in between post office and home as I tried to convince baby to settle in the pram. We would move off to the next void deck where she would fuss again and I had to stop again to carry her. Some part of the way, I tried to carry her and maneuver the pram with one hand until finally we got to our own void deck. While waiting for the lift, I carried her. There were 3 other very understanding passengers who helped me hold the door and exit easily.

All in all a great learning experience =)

On a sidenote, I realise that many Singaporeans are actually quite considerate. I noticed this even when I was pregnant, when more often then not, I would get a seat even during peak hour on the notoriously crowded NEL. Now, I notice smokers actually looking out that I'm with a baby and averting their cigarettes or their smoke expelled. People would hold the doors and allow me to enter first if I was carrying the baby. Of course, it doesn't happen all the time. There are still black sheep who would inch in front of me and the pram to get out ahead of us. But perhaps there is marked improvement in graciousness afterall.

Back to Work, Papa

Tomorrow, Ming goes back to work, so once again, I feel the dread of handling the baby, hopefully alone (ie hopefully in laws won't be here). In fact, Ming would likely be unable to take any of the next 2 weeks off :( I especially fear the bottle feeding part. She's still very unstable. Just this morning, she absolutely refused the bottle and had a huge crying fuss over it, that we decided to latch her all today. But tomorrow, there will be just me. I had to prepare formula, feed her, coax her to sleep, pump out my milk to prevent supply loss, then wash out and sterilise all the bottles. Seems like a lot to be done, and phobia if baby doesn't wanna sleep, or take the bottle. In fact, I had never successfully fed Tanya with the bottle yet. So far, it was always Ming doin gthe bottle feeding. We decided to try feeding the expressed breastmilk first, before trying formula. Cross fingers and hope for the best.

On a side note, I'm suffering from very sore nipples. Not sure if baby has nipple confusion and my nipples are paying the price, or that the pump is the cause, or that I'm no longer used to the suction from baby, given the pumping sessions, or the longer latch sessions today (no bottle today). Whatever the reason, it makes it hard for me to carry the baby. Even bathing, I had to avoid the shower spray on the painful area. Hope and pray it will get better soon.

Bottle Battles

Its been a tough week of tears and fears, as we battle with Tanya to feed her formula using bottles. She seems to dislike the rubber teats and had likewise rejected her pacifier. Ming took the week off to help with feedings, coz they say the mum shouldn't feed as the baby will smell the milk on me and refuse the bottle. In fact, I was supposed to stay 20 feet away! Instead I just leave the room lor.

The first feed was met with limited success, as she only consumed about half of the 100ml mixture, after a long, tiring battle with us. The next afternoon, she managed to finish about 60ml so we cheered up. But that night, she totally refused to drink from the bottle, be it formula, or expressed breastmilk so we had to pour it all away (heartache man...)

Eventually we discovered that introducing bottle at night was a bad idea. She was fussy at night and wanted the comfort as much as the milk. But in the morning and afternoon feeds, we were met with more success.

Since Ming had taken the week off, we also made much progress in bringing the baby out, in pram and sling; the furthest being back to my office at Dover. I realised that its quite rare for small babies to be out and about in Singapore, as we get many comments like wah baby so small, or looks like only just man yue (full month) etc. But we weren't the social type and tended to avoid eye contact and this prevented many comments from strangers :)

First Month visit to PD

Yes the dreaded first injection we have to bring Tanya for was yesterday. We took the opportunity to also check on her jaundice level. It was quite heartwrenching for us parents when she cried at the 2 jabs, one on her thigh and the other to draw blood to check her jaundice. 18.5 - very high, and doctor suggested we could status quo, supplement with formula or rent the UV light for home use at $150/day.

This was really bad news for me, and there was no way for me to take it well. I have struggled the past four weeks to finally, more or less successfully breastfeed Tanya, fully latching. Through all the sore nipples and breasts, milk blisters, bleeding, learning the right latch, midnight feedings, patiently defending my choice for total breastfeeding to my in laws, trying to ignore later more subtle comments by them about my supply, I had persisted. Now I have to give it up for formula.

The worst thing about the situation I feel is that I feel so alone in my thoughts. Who else can understand my reluctance to give up breastfeeding, given it wasn't as if it was a ball of fun? Certainly my in laws were more than happy to supplement with formula, afterall they had been advocating it, openly at first, but at my resistance, through muttered breaths and comments to others. Even in the hospital, when one grandparent of a baby had said her child was supplementing due to low supply, my father in law had replied that we too had that problem, that I too had low supply! I was shocked and retorted that of course we didn't! The baby had gained 1kg through 4 weeks, way above the minimum requirement of 100g/week to define a thriving baby!

As much as I was pro-breastfeeding Tanya, I certainly wouldn't insist if I felt my supply was stumping her growth! I think he was surprised at my heated defense then. It certainly came back to bite me when that night we were trying to feed Tanya formula. When he knew of our choice, he commented loudly (so I could overhear) to Ming that "Same as that baby in the hospital lor" - which I interpreted as "I told you so" to me. If it were my parents, I certainly would have retorted at their "sensitivity". Given their my in laws, no choice but to bite the bullet. He was right afterall anyway. Didn't matter that my milk supply was sufficient, there was something else wrong with my milk that we had to supplement.

I tell myself that there's no need to feel inadequate as a mother, that we're doing this for her good, because we are. That there's much more to parenting than breastfeeding, because there was. But this was the one thing I know I can do right by her, that I can surely provide. Guidance, values, discipline etc, those were all so subjective. But once again, what choice do I have? Hopefully, what I'm doing is the best choice for her, and her health will always be my first priority.

Happy First Month!

to be updated